Operation: Castration
by jaded316
Summary: Chap.6 up!The X-Men and the Brotherhood join forces! We even hear from Jean! Kurt gets a lap dance, Xavier perfects the art of "pyschic slapping" and Logan puts a little more in Xavier's drink than he wanted... Guaranteed to make you laugh! R&R!
1. Fool of a Metal Magician!

Title: Operation: Castration  
  
Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own anything but the plot. And no! I'm not ashamed to admit it! This story came from my own disturbed, little mind!  
  
Summary: Set after X2. Based on what Pyro said about men carrying the mutant gene when Bobby told his parents that he was a mutant. Living with all guys is really getting on Mystique's nerves. So being the sadistic bitch she is what does she do? Proposes a bill where guys all over America must get castrated! Everyone thinks it's absurd. Until little by little the new bill starts getting support..  
  
(A/N): Finally! I venture into the X-Men fandom! Can anyone find the Dilbert reference? If you do I'll put you in the Matrix fanfic I'm co- authoring with Madbrilliantangel! Yeah, I know it doesn't mean anything to you, but it's funny! I swear!  
  
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Mystique's POV:  
  
URRRGGGHHH! I can't take it anymore! Living with all these.. MEN! I'm literally choking on all the male testosterone these idiots are belching out! It's been 3 months since Alkali Lake, when the Brotherhood retrieved the newest addition to what is seemingly turning into a "Boy's Club". I thought it might be kinda ok to recruit him seeing as he was still a young man. Maybe I could instill in him some of the basics in being considerate to women, like not trying to cop a feel when we're training, but noooooo.... He just had to be as pigheaded as the rest of them. Pity. I was hoping to add some class and decorum to his personality. He could've helped me picked out dress designs and colors. The blue skin-tight laytex is getting kinda old.  
  
And the addition of the original intelligence-deficient lackeys didn't help matters either. As soon as we left Alkali Lake, Magneto made us pick up Sabertooth and Toad. Whaddya bunch a Leadership! It's one thing to have a teenage boy drooling whenever you walk by him, but what's Toad's excuse? And Sabertooth is the worst of the bunch and damn sure more trouble than he is worth! Just a huge, ornery tower of fur, muscle and testosterone. Growling and shedding everywhere he goes. It's no wonder why I don't wear clothes. At the end of the week I wouldn't be sure whether I should go to the dry cleaners or just give my clothes a perm. I shudder to think of the havoc all that fur with do to the lint trap of any washing machine.  
  
I've complained to Eric about the lack of manners his henchmen have displayed and their inconsiderate behavior, considering that there's a woman around. He just brushes it off as "Boy's being Boy's" and asks me when's dinner! What nerve! But that's it! I'm not taking it anymore. I'm the most cruel and malicious bitch ever to grace mutantkind! Action must be taken! Just as soon as I'm done taking my bath. It's really one of the only times I have to myself. The lit cinnamon candles and the peach scented bath salts Eric gave me really help me to relax.. Wait a minute! What was that! I could have sworn I heard snickering! Holy crap! Is that a hole in the wall!!! Stupid son's of mother clucking .Toad and Pyro were peaking at me! Of all the retarded, adolescent things to do! Where in the hell is Eric! I need someone to read those numbnuts their last rights!  
  
"Hey, Blue. Where's the fire?" Sabertooth drawled. I turned around and gave him a glare that would have had Wolverine crap his pants, but he just sneered.  
  
"I have to inform our fearless leader of the brutal torture and maiming of our other two "Bothers". Although it hasn't happened yet, my women's intuition tells me that great pain is coming their way very soon." I whispered menacingly. He actually had the balls to laugh!  
  
"I told those two you'd find out that they were getting a free show sooner or later. I'm surprised though, Blue. Didn't think it'd take you three weeks to figure it out."  
  
"THREE WEEKS!" I know I must have looked asinine, my mouth hanging wide open after screeching like a banshee, but I didn't give a damn. Those no good rotten bastards had been spying on me every night for the past THREE EFFIN' WEEKS! I must have been staring because Sabertooths' eyes left the TV screen in front of the couch he was lounging on and momentarily looked at me.  
  
"Hey, Blue! Before you go see Mags, go bet me a beer will ya." It wasn't even a question. And to emphasize his "request", he slapped my bottom! He never saw the heel of my foot coming, as I sent a spin kick right to the left temple of his head. I watched his limp body slid off he couch and into the floor, his head finding the floor first, leaving his ass in the air. Growling, I stalked to Eric's room and busted through the door, not even bothering to knock. Surprise written all over his wrinkly face, he stood up from his chair and slowly came around his metal desk and took quicker strides to meet me halfway in the middle of his office. When we met, seething, I poked my finger to his chest with every point I made.  
  
"I'm so sick of you and your pansy ass, lackey's taking advantage of me! I'm sick of finding Toad's tongue on the floor and drooling everywhere I walk! And I'm sick of falling into the toilet every time one of those brain- dead jackasses forgets to leave the seat down! Have you ever fallen into a toilet made of metal?! It's f******* freezing!"  
  
Let's see. I counted four pokes to his chest. I'll just leave my finger there for good measure. Eric's looking at me like I just declared my undying love for Charles Xavier.  
  
"Listen..argh.Listen, Mystique." Clearing his throat to correct the unmanly shriek that just came out of his mouth, I smirked to myself, hoping I finally my point got through to him.  
  
"Mystique. Please, take a seat." He's ushering me to one of the cold-ass metal chairs in front of his desk. Hells bells. I've noticed that his chair is a cozy looking leather chair. And what is that?! Is that a remote control seat massager?! Maniacal bastard!  
  
"Mystique. You are without a question, the most valuable member of this team." What in the Blue hell?! He just took my hands in his! He's kneeling in front of me. Not a good move, Mr. Leshnerr. You just gave me the prime opportunity to kick you in the most perfect place to get my point across. I know he doesn't think he's going to charm himself outta this one.  
  
"But as the only woman here, the rest of the men and myself expect you to take on some of the roles that, traditionally, most women do." At the moment I couldn't really talk about Toad's tongue because my jaw must have hit the floor.  
  
"Women's work! You expect me to do WOMEN'S WORK!" My voice was a low growl and steadily rising. Looking at his predicament, he quickly closed his legs to deter my attempts to make him start singing in soprano. I rose up so fast Eric had to grab the edge of his desk to steady himself. Looking petrified he slowly moved behind his desk, ducking behind it as he watched my rage unfold.  
  
"Why you old, decrepit...Fool of a Metal Magician!" I really should lay off the Lord of the Rings movies. The references my mind comes up with pop up at the strangest times. Outraged, I stormed out of his office and took the jet. I needed to get away from these.MEN, as soon as possible.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Sabertooth, holding an ice pack to his head, gingerly walked up to Magneto. "What's up wit Blue?" Magneto sighed and looked at his bruised henchmen. "I'm not sure. Maybe it's that time of the month." Toad and Pyro silently crept up to the two older men. "Bloody hell." Toa sighed. "You know what this means, don'tcha?" Pyro looked at Toad and nodded. "Yeah. Gotta go dust off the old porno mags." Exhausted the guys retired to their respective rooms, not knowing the horror Mystique had planned for them all..  
  
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R&R  
  
Love,  
  
Jaded316 a.k.a.  
  
FieryDiMaia 


	2. The Snip Heard From Coast to Coast

(A/N): Sorry it took me so long to update. Wanted to see how many people would actually review this nutty story. Then again, if I get more reviews I'll probably review sooner. Especially with President's week coming up. Even if I'm writing other stuff under my other penname, FieryDiMaia and with my co-authors Madbrilliantangel and Coldrevenge, whom I'd like to shout-out. I'm determined not to abandon my first X-Men fic.!  
  
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Chapter 2: The Snip Heard From Coast to Coast  
  
Mystique/ Senator Kelly's POV:  
  
It's been two days since I left Eric and his All Boys' Club to fart and belch all by themselves. I have been plotting the devious punishment of men all over America to make up for my humiliation. So what if it took God forty days and forty nights to punish MANkind? I can get it done in 2 weeks tops... Ya know it's funny. At the turn of the twenty-first century my plan would have probably been too outrageous to even consider. Hell, the most famous female senator was HILARY CLINTON! Doesn't exactly build confidence for a positive result on my overall mission. Still, I don't imagine she'd have any problem at all with the idea of her husband being neutered. I wonder if Lorana Bobbit would like to run for senator of a state. She'll have my support...  
  
You maybe wondering what I'm talking about, wondering if old Mysty has finally fallen of her rocker. Well I assure you, I have never been more of sound mind or body...Even if I am currently wearing Senator Kelly's. Here I have been, in Kelly's office for two days and nights, being the scheming bitch I am. Yes, it did take an unfathomable amount of take-out that although I can shift my thighs and hips to counter any cellulite inducing effects the limitless amount of grilled chicken and sausage pizzas and cheese sticks, I still feel bad for eating. It also took so much coffee that I seriously considered putting up a private Starbucks across the hall. Hell, it's not my money. Tax payers' dollars... ahhh how I love it. I probably would have, but just my luck it would still be crowded.  
  
In the last two day, I've managed to prank phone call Xavier's mansion about five ZILLION times, unintentionally write 'All work and no play makes Mysty a dull girl' several hundred times at odd intervals and "accidentally" while "researching" online, come across some porno that looks suspiciously like Xavier and his XXX-Men. So THAT'S how they get enough money to finance that smut emporium they have the nerve to call a school...  
  
But I'm getting off topic, for you see, my ingenious plan is quite simple really. I shall propose a bill stating that all men 18 or over across the U.S. must get a vasectomy... 'And Mother Nature looked down at her blue, scaly daughter, smiled and said: "It is Good".' Excuse me a moment while I do my victory dance. I think I'm going to put up a sign that says "Making Peoples' Lives Suckier since 19**"... No one needs to know my age!!!!! Hell hath no fury like a Scaly Blue Bitch scorned!  
  
"Senator Kelly, sir. It's time." I turned and openly leered at my new secretary, Jason. Very, very cute guy. Kinda reminds me of Eyall Podell. Might as well run Kelly's image through the ground... Or should I say through the Gay and Lesbian Parade. I walk outside and into the waiting limo. When we arrived, journalist and Mutant protestors lined the streets and the Congress building. My fake political smile turned into a sadistic grin. 'At least these Mutant protestor dolts won't reproduce.' I made my way into the building and sat down at the bench. I listened to the senator's drown on until finally it was my time to talk.  
  
"Good morning ladies and gentlemen. I've come before you today to propose a new bill to solve the Mutant Epidemic. Since recently and up until now, I've been an adamant supporter of Mutant/Human co-existence. But every great leader must know when to compromise. That's why I propose that we pass a bill to castrate men all over the U.S."  
  
The friendly smile I kept plastered on my face turned into a full on grin as I paused, let the loud intangible grumbles and shocked gasps rolled engulf me. I always loved that reaction. It's like the courtroom of some bad old western. I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing as I remembered Conan O' Brien saying the same thing.  
  
"Please. Let me continue." I say in my most benevolent, cult-leader like voice. Like sheep to the veterinarian... "You see, we've already determined that the Mutant gene is found in men, so rather than taking the risk of creating more mutants, we'll have men all over America get a vasectomy. I call it Operation: Castration. Jason, if you'll please roll out my demonstration." Jason rolled out a small table that had a banana and a pair of scissors.  
  
"The procedure's really not a big deal." I took the banana and peeled it, taking the scissors in my other hand. "A certified doctor will just make a little incision here..." I inched the scissors into the banana slowly. "And make just an itty, bitty snip..." I "accidentally" cut the banana a little too suddenly and "accidentally" cut about half of it, making the little 'snip' a full on butchering... A loud, manly "Ohhhh" echoed through the room.  
  
Remember how I said that during the turn of the twenty-first century my plan probably wouldn't have worked? That's because now the Senate was made up of 100 senators... and over half of them were female. Old, menopausal women with dirty old husbands who cheat on them with airline stuartists and maids and other busty, airhead blondes. Women who are just a shade under being just as mean and bitchy as me. God I love my life....  
  
"This is preposterous!" Senator Thomas Jackson shouted. He turned around at our peers slightly shaken and sputtering. "Sur- surely you can't be considering this asinine idea!" With a dead calm ease that any evil bitch can appreciate, my 'Ace of Spades' raised out of her seat and a devilish smile etched his way onto my face. Senator Judith M. Hater looked at Jackson with fire in her eyes. It was said that the M in her name stood for Man. She was divorced a staggering ten times by ten different men who cheated on her. She was my Yoda...  
  
"We will vote on the proposal." She stated and sat back down as more shocked grumbles and whispers filled the room and I finally allowed myself to chuckle.  
  
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Please R&R 


	3. Reaction at the Mansion aka Studs and Th...

(A/N): Woohoo! I got reviews! Keep 'em coming. It's come to my attention that a few of you are calling me out for making Mystique a bit OOCness in nature... Well, duh! The whole storyline is wacky! How can I fit their regular personalities into something so crazy?! I mean, I doubt Wolverine would be acting all big and bad if someone wanted to castrate him! Let's find out... Muwhahahaha!  
  
Chapter 3: Reaction at the Mansion a.k.a. Studs and Thuds  
  
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"What are you talking about?! There are all sorts of influential super heroines!" Jubilation Lee yelled as she threw a handful of popcorn at Bobby Drake. His girlfriend, Rogue, who was sitting right beside him on the couch, punched him in the arm.  
  
"Ow! I'm just saying that most if not all, super hero girls are kinda lame. Ow!" This time it was Kitty who threw the book she was reading at him. Not surprisingly it was a copy of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."  
  
"I think you could use that book a lot more than I can, Bobby. Either that or "Women for Dummies"." Kitty replied wryly.  
  
Noticing that he was out numbered, Bobby latched onto to the closet available male he could find. Lucky for him Pieter happened to be walking by.  
  
"Pete! Help me out. Name one really cool, girl, super hero."  
  
Colossus stepped in front of the others and frowned. "I cannot think of one. I'd say, maybe... Wonder Woman?"  
  
The girls hooted and hollered and Colossus grinned smugly.  
  
Bobby just scoffed. "Please. That Amazon looking Hercules is probably popping testosterone pills as we speak. OW! Would you stop hitting me, Rogue!!!"  
  
Rogue smirked. "Stop acting like a boob and I will. Besides, there are tons of strong, female super heroes. Batgirl, Supergirl and what about Spiderwoman?!"  
  
Having heard little bits of the conversation already, who but the Cajun should happen to appear to give his input.  
  
"As much as it pains Remy to say this, cherie, because you know no one loves the ladies as much as Remy, but those fillets flying and swinging aroun' are nothing but cheap additions to their male counter parts. Spiderwoman is the only one who doesn't have the word 'girl' in her title. Not that she could pull it off as shapely as she is..."  
  
Booby and even Colossus grunted in agreement, but Jubilee and Kitty made sure to hit them each, Rogue hitting Bobby as she did before. Loud, manly Ow's reverberated in the rec room, causing some of the younger children to snicker.  
  
"As much as the children seem to be enjoying the show, I can't have you pummeling the boys. It doesn't seem like proper school etiquette." Storm commented in mocked sternness as she walked into the room.  
  
Rogue looked over at the white-haired teacher. "Seeing as this is a school, we had to teach them a lesson. They said that they're aren't any really cool super heroines."  
  
Storm looked at Bobby, Remy and Pete with an indignant expression. "What am I then?!"  
  
As if it just dawned on them that she was indeed a super hero... And a woman... And the teacher who will be grading their finals, each boy began to sputter.  
  
"Of course we weren't talking about you!" Bobby replied nervously, Remy and Pete backing him up with a chorus of "No's."  
  
Storm looked at them skeptically. "Riiight. Then you won't mind doing a report for me? Something on Influential Women of Our Time, should do nicely." Kitty, Rogue and Jubilee laughed at the crestfallen faces and the smug look on Storm's face.  
  
"No, ma'am." The boys said in unison as Storm walked off.  
  
Bobby looked down and pouted as he folded his arms, stubbornly. "I still think that they're aren't any really cool superhero girls. She's a teacher! She gets cool points deducted because of that!"  
  
"And exactly how many "cool points" should be taken from you for actually using the term "cool points"?" Rogue asked sweetly as Bobby stuck his tongue out at her.  
  
Rogue rolled her eyes and hit Bobby again, this time ignoring the "OW" that came from beside her. She instead turned her attention to the television. Apparently some important decision was just made in Congress...  
  
"This just in..." The anchorman announced. "It seems that an important new bill was just passed in Congress. It seems that to eliminate the Mutant Epidemic, Senator Kelly has proposed that all men at or over the age of 18 will be castrated... What?! This can't be right! Can we get a second source to verify this!!!!!! We do?! A second and third source?!...The third be the senator himself... Oh...well then..."  
  
The anchorman promptly fainted, leaving the anchorwoman on the other side to have to fill in.  
  
"Well... You've heard it here first. The bill is called Operation: Castration or OPC. The plan is to have males castrated by the time they are 18 but to have sperm taken from them before the operation. This is to see if they are carrying the mutant gene. If they aren't, the sperm will be used to impregnate a woman to ensure another generation. But even if the gene is found, they hope to fine a way to isolate it and have it removed... Wow. That sucks for you, huh Tom?"  
  
Her partner was still on the floor groaning as his assistant tried to slap him into consciousness. The anchorwoman, Catherine, just shrugged. "Now on to the winning lottery numbers! 2, 10, 88..."  
  
And so, their they were, some, sitting, some standing but all were watching the TV screen, mouths open and the boys only, with tears in their eyes.  
  
"...mommy..." Bobby squeaked as he fainted, his head slumping over and falling into Rogue's lap, causing her to jump up in surprise.  
  
Remy and Pete, equally shocked turned their heads slowly to look at each other before fainting, falling backwards and producing a nice, clear duo "Thud." All over the mansion, "thuds" could be heard, the men dropping like flies. The only two men in the whole house who didn't faint were currently racing down the stairs trying to trip each other over as they made their way to the front door.  
  
"Where in the Hell do you think you're going, bub?!" Wolverine yelled/shrieked, his voice taking on an unusually high tone from the gruff, bad ass one he seemed to be born with.  
  
Scott straightened the sweater he was wearing, getting his head out of the sleeve from when Logan snatched him by the collar to get ahead.  
  
"What does it look like I'm doing?! I'm heading south! Spring Break is just around the corner and I'm heading to Cancun before I get butchered!"  
  
Scott walked toward the door to get out of the entrance but Wolverine stopped him.  
  
"Oh no, One Eye. You think you can waltz aroun' here with his hair cut and not actually be Mr. America?! No, your country needs you!"  
  
Logan gave Scott a mock salute.  
  
"Do your country a service and drop your pants! I'm getting the Hell outta dodge and going home to Canada! So long, Yankie!"  
  
Wolverine pushed Scott back and grabbed the doorknob but was stopped when he heard Professor Xavier's voice in his head.  
  
"Logan, if you walk out that door I will undoubtly make sure you live the rest of your many days under the impression that you're a nine-year-old schoolgirl. Then it won't matter if you have that operation or not!"  
  
The threatening urgency in the professor's voice stopped Logan dead in his tracks.  
  
"Dammit! Fine!" Logan growled.  
  
"Oh and Logan, could you and Scott get up here quick? I require your assistance." Xavier asked, a bit sheepishly. What they didn't know was that as cool and stoic as he is, even Xavier felt the effects of the impending doom and had fainted. Unfortunately for him, now he couldn't get up...  
  
Scott grinned smugly as the two walked up the stairs, heading toward the Professor's room.  
  
"Isn't it ironic? The one place you don't have adamantium is the part of you they want to cut... If they see you recover I wondering if they'll just keep cutting and cutting... OW!!!!!"  
  
This time Logan stuffed Scott's whole body in one of his sleeves...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
R&R  
  
Funny? Wanna read more? Review! The more reviews I get the more guilt I'll feel if I don't update quickly so I'll definitely update sooner if I get more reviews!!!!!!!! 


	4. Mystique's Cradle

(A/N): WARNING: To some if not most readers, the following chapter(s) maybe be a little crude if not out and out brutal. Keep in mind that the author is not a man-hating, evildoer, nor is she the devil, but she does occasionally play poker with him. Last time I won his pitchfork!... That maybe where the inspiration to write this fic came from.... Hmm...  
  
Seriously, I have to take a time out to address some of my readers:  
  
Malefiscen: Hmmm. You may have something there. It would explain why I only seem to update once a month! Lol.  
  
Jojo: This chapter shows both the girls and the boys reaction. Plus, we get to see what the Brother hood think. Muwhahahaha. Glorious, isn't it?  
  
SperryDee: Thanks for reviewing. I know you wanted an update sooner but writer's block is a serious thing. Especially when you try to cure it with an ice cream headache. It just leaves you cold achy. And your muse just shakes their head at your stupidity. I know what you mean. Scott hopping up the stairs with his whole body up his sleeve is classic.  
  
The Rogue Raven: Thanks for the review and I hope this chappie doesn't disappoint.  
  
Dee Bryant: Woohoo! You added me to your favorites. Bitchin'! Thanks! Tell your Cricket Beta to cover his eyes and ears. Do crickets have ears? I've never seen them.  
  
Chapter 4: Mystique's Cradle  
  
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"X-Men. I am sure you all understand the dire situation we are in. Never before has our future been under attack as it is now. We must focus if we are to defeat the blue beast that has endangered our survival."  
  
Everyone turned around to look at the newest addition to the family.  
  
Tipping his glasses to the brink of his nose, he scowled. "The professor was not talking about me you inbred imbeciles!" Beast looked at everyone's shocked expressions and sighed, removing his glasses. He rubbed his eyes.  
  
"I'm sorry everyone. I let the situation get the best of me. Please, carry on professor."  
  
Xavier nodded. "Thank you Dr. McCoy. Now as I was saying, we must get Operation Castration appealed and reversed before mutantkind can be endangered any further."  
  
Logan, Scott, Remy, Bobby and Pietor all grunted in agreement.  
  
"I don't know why you're so angry, Pete. I mean you could just turn into steel before they start cutting." Rogue reasoned.  
  
'Hallelujah' began to play in the Russian's head and he raised his head as if he had just had an epiphany. The other men glared at him and Bobby and Remy, who were on each side of him, punched him on both of his arms. He hardly noticed the duo hits and the relieved grin just became even goofier.  
  
Seeing one of them happy was too much for Jubilee to bear.  
  
"Ya know, Pete," The firecracker started. "If they were really determined, they could just take a blow torch and..."  
  
"EEEEEECCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!" The MEN of X-MEN let out the loudest, most effeminate squeak, that any glass found within the room broke.  
  
Suddenly, a large poof of blue wind *Bamfed* into the room.  
  
"Excuse me." The usually chipper Kurt Wagner walked up to the table and tossed that day's mail in front of the women. His head hung low, much like his tail, which uncharacteristically dragged behind him on the floor. He sat in a chair in the corner, his knees hugged up to his chest as he rocked back and forth. Holding his tail in his hands and whimpering. Everyone just followed him with their eyes.  
  
"Awwwwww...." The women mewed, feeling sorry for the blue saint.  
  
Finally, Storm intervened, trying to calm the big, manly babies.  
  
"Listen, GENTLEMAN," Storm stressed the term, using it loosely.  
  
"We have to go into this situation thinking clearly so if you guys could please start thinking with the heads on top of your necks instead of the ones in your pants we'd be able to solve this problem sooner." Storm's voice was patient but like when dealing with most children, the patience in her voice was wearing thin.  
  
Cyclops squeaked in indignation.  
  
"Who are you to talk, Storm?! You're not the one who's being threatened! None of you are!" Scott pointed accusingly art all of the women. Suddenly he felt a hard smack on the back of his head and his head snapped forward.  
  
"Owwww! What the hell was THAT?!"  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Somewhere in Alkali Lake...  
  
"Dumbass..."  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
"Everyone, please calm down." Xavier insisted, as he held his mug of coffee to his mouth to hide the smirk on his face. Whatever that was that smacked Scott upside his head felt eerily familiar...  
  
They all hung heads in resignation, except Logan who began sniffing the air.  
  
"Hey," Logan growled. "Wait a minute..."  
  
Logan got out of his chair and sniffed his way next to Xavier. The Professor's eyes began to dart from side to side as he tried to look at Logan, bewildered.  
  
"What?" Xavier asked, little beads of sweat beginning to accumulate on his bald head.  
  
Suddenly, Logan grabbed Xavier's mug and took a swig, burping when he was done. The women's faces were contorted in disgust.  
  
"This is Irish coffee!" Logan yelled. Xavier blanched.  
  
Every mouth in the room dropped as they saw the man begin to sputter.  
  
"Why, I... Hey! I'm stuck in this friggin chair and I'm STILL gonna get..." Xavier's face scrunched up. "...mutilated! You'd be drinking at 10 o' clock in the morning too if you were that screwed!"  
  
The men in the room, once again, grunted in agreement.  
  
"Goddess, you guys are pigs." Storm mumbled and reached for the mail. Her eyes widened as she saw four envelopes with Senator Kelly's return address.  
  
"Uh, guys? I think there is something you need to see." The X-Men looked at Storm with confusion as she passed each envelope to the person they were addressed to. Herself, Rogue, Jubilee and Kitty. They opened their mail.  
  
As each woman read their mail, the guys rolled their eyes.  
  
"What was so important that you had to pull us away from such an important discussion?!" Scott asked, annoyed. "What were you sent? A free trial of some lady shaver or something? Owwww!" He felt another smack and turned his head around wildly and then back in front of him where Logan sat with what was formally Xavier's mug.  
  
"I don't know how you did it, Logan but I know it was you!" Logan just smirked.  
  
Storm glared. "Noooo, One eye. It's an invitation. Apparently Mystique is throwing a party..."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
BaCk At ThE bRoThErHoOd....  
  
"Pyro. You have to get up," Toad explained as he nudged the younger man with the toe of his boot. The little arsonist was lying on the floor in a fetal position. It had been two hours since they heard the news and each member of the Brotherhood was distraught, fearing that their little club would soon become a Sisterhood.  
  
Each member was dealing with it in there own way:  
  
Pyro was rocking back and forth, on the floor, in a fetal position, unable to forget the single most traumatizing event of his life. When he was a small child, with a thirst for adventure and a knack for wandering around, he accidentally walked in on his pet dog. Spike, as he was getting neutered. Needless to say neither dog nor owner ever looked at each other the same, again...  
  
Toad was just as worried as any other man but he knew that with his tongue he'd never have troubling finding a girl.  
  
Sabertooth was in what was once Mystique's room trying to find anything personally he could use to form a voodoo doll to torture her with. He didn't think he could make a doll from scratch but he did have his old stuffed Grover and he could work miracles with a needle and thread...  
  
And their fearless leader, Magneto, was sitting at his desk, banging his head continuously as he chanted "Stupid, stupid, stupid..."  
  
*  
  
Suddenly, the doorbell rang. It was the theme to 'Angel' and it usually perked everyone up. However, today was the sad exception...  
  
Toad leaped his way over Pyro and to the door. When he opened it, he was greeted by a very chipper mailwoman.  
  
"Delivery!" She exclaimed with a ditzy looking smile. Toad nodded and signed for the four packages. As soon as he was done he slammed the door in the woman's face. He noticed that there was no return address so he shook the packages around and then shrugged, not giving it a second thought.  
  
"Mail Callllll!!!!!" Toad yelled. After a few minutes he realized no one was coming so he jumped and leaped into each room to give each of his brother's their package. When he was done, he sat down in his room, on his bed. His legs were crossed Indian-style and opened his package. After he saw it, he promptly fainted, falling head first off of his bed.  
  
In the package was a small model of Kermit the frog standing in front of a guillotine. As if it were on a timer, the sharp blade dropped, butchering the well-loved children's puppet.  
  
~*~*~*  
  
"Ow! God damn needle!" Sabertooth yelled as he tried in vain to thread the needle but accidentally tuck himself instead. Unfortunately, his claws kept him from reaping the benefits of using thimbles. Frustrated, he threw down the needle and thread as he sucked the pad of his index finger in his mouth. He opened his package, and saw what appeared to be documents. His large black eyes darted across the sheets and when he finished he, too fainted, crumbling to the floor.  
  
It was a form from a veterinarian's office. Guess what operation he was scheduled to get...  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
"Stupid, stupid, stupid..." Magneto chanted. He knew better than anyone else did exactly what Mystique was capable of and he STILL managed to screw everything up! Deciding that adding to the migraine that hearing about Operation: Castration had already caused was not going to help the situation. Sighing he reached for the package and opened it slowly.  
  
What he unveiled was the most innocent yet horrifying thing he'd ever seen....  
  
It was a brand new Newton's Cradle. He'd been meaning to by another since Pyro accidentally melted his previous one. Magneto smiled as he pulled back one ball and watched it hit the others. The last one rocking back and then the others to knock the first one back into the air. This continued as a letter caught Magneto's eye. Her pulled it out and began to read:  
  
Dear Magneto;  
  
Enjoy your new present because when I'm done with you, much like that cradle, I'll have your balls by my strings....  
  
Maliciously,  
Mystique  
  
And with that, The Lord of the Steel fainted...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Blonde hair and a brown UPS uniform melted away into blue, scaly skin as Mystique sat in her helicopter. The laptop in front of her held the limp bodies of her former peers, using her know-how to tap into their security cameras. She had a bag of guacamole Doritos on her lap and was having a good time watching the Brotherhood fall under her wrath.  
  
"Oh, I gotta save this! Muwhahahahahahaha!!!!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
(A/N): It's not as funny as I thought it'd be. How sucky. (Pouts and looks at readers with big, sorrowful eyes) I'll try harder next time.  
  
R&R Please  
  
And go sign a Saving Angel petition at SavingAngel.org.  
  
Because I learn everything I need to know about writing, singing Barry Manalow and killing demons from Joss Whedon.... 


	5. Inspirational Speaker or Occult Leader?

(A/n) If anyone is wondering it's not that I don't love this story and it's infinite possibilities but I got a fever which became the flu. Which was just brilliant timing because I had finals and regents again. Besides, each chapter is handled with care. As if it were a child...

Chapter 5: Mystique: "Inspirational Speaker" or "Occult Leader"? You Decide...

* * *

"Well, this isn't too bad." Kitty reasoned as she stepped down stairs into the small restaurant. She was wearing a long pink sundress with yellow flowers. Rogue was behind her wearing a long purple dress and she looked like she had been dipped in glitter. Jubilee stood beside her in a short yellow dress while Storm was in front wearing a long blue dress with a split up the left side.  
  
"WHAT?!?!." Storm yelled as she eyed the scene with horror. Rogue just stood there with her mouth hanging open while Jubilee began grinning like a crazed maniac. 

Rogue let out a low whistle. "Wow. It looks like the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy just blew up in here.

It was basically the average club, the whole place a deep azure blue, complete with dance floor and a stage with a microphone in the middle and glittery curtains in the back. Distinguished women of all ages, races and Medicare plans sat in tables around the dance floor or at the bar.   
  
"Oh my God. Is that Eyal Podell behind that bar without a shirt on?!" Jubilee squealed as they saw the young man who was actually just Mystique's assistant, behind the bar. While it's true he didn't have a shirt on he did have on a black bow tie and cuffs on as he ground his hips to the music and shook the shaker in his hand.   
  
"I'm so glad you could join us." Senator Kelly's voice greeted from behind the women. They whirled around just in time to see Mystiques' eyes turn that eerie golden glow that didn't fit the Senator's face. At least, that's what they would've noticed if they hadn't been blown away by the shape shifter's outfit. 

Sure, he was wearing the white shirt, tie and slacks the Senator was usually in but it was what was over the formal wear that was shocking. Senator Kelly was wearing a multi-colored boa over his shoulders, it feather's seemingly dipped in glittered. Under it was a bright yellow robe, lined in cotton on the edges with studs on the back that spelled out _"Boy Toy"._

Finally managing to shut her gaping mouth, Storm used one hand to cover Jubilee's eyes and the other to grab Rogue as she hauled them out of here. 

"Come on!" Storm barked. "We're leaving Mystique to her Rocky Horror Picture Show, NOW!"

This caused Kitty to snap back into reality and hurriedly follow her teacher. Mystique ran in front of them before they could make it to the door and Storms' eyes clouded over in that familiar white that she had seen plenty over the years. Mystique raised her hands in a peaceful gesture.

"Calm down, Static Cling. Just sit down. You can have a sea breeze and we'll get the little ones here some virgin Pina Coladas and we can talk business. I mean that's why you're here, isn't it? Didn't the...men." Mystique spat the word in disgust. "...Send you here to gather information." Mystique noticed the irritated expressions on each of her fellow mutants' faces.

_'I guess the men at Xavier's Institute are less than gentlemanly, too.'_ Mystique thought. _'This could definitely be used to my advantage.'_ The women in front of her watched as Mystique smirked. Although she was still in the guise of Senator Kelly, her eyes glowed that eerie gold.

Storm rolled her eyes as her shoulders slumped to show she had conceded. The girls went to a high nearby table and sat in the four stools that accompanied it. Mystique pulled up a stool from a nearby table and sat down, raised her hands in the air and clapped them.

"Oh Jason." Mystique purred, this time in Senator Kelly's voice. Rogue, Jubilee and Kitty watched especially interested as the man who was formerly behind the bar, came up to them with a pad and a pen.

"Can I take your order?" He asked, smirking at the girls who were staring dreamily at him.

"Yes, Jason. I'll have a sea breeze and Ms. Monroe will have..."  
  
"Uh...The same." 

"Rogue?"

"Virgin Pina Colada sounds good."  
  
"Make it two." Jubilee added.

"I'll have a virgin Sex on the Beach." Kitty said, nonchalantly, causing everyone at the table to look at her. 

"What? I can't explore my horizons?"

Jason smiled and the girls realized how much he looked like a younger Tom Cruise, causing an impulsive sigh to escape their lips almost in unison. "All right. I'll be right back with your drinks."

As he walked away, Mystique shamelessly groped her assistant's...assets with her eyes. Finally she turned back toward them and let her real voice slip back.

"I've called you here because I want your support of Operation: Castration."

"What?!" Storm exclaimed for the second time that evening. The girls frowned in a mix of confusion and anger as they all began talking. In the midst of the babble, the words _"Crazy",_ _"Conceited"_ and _"Blue Bitch"_ could distinctly be heard.

"Wait." Storm told the girls who eventually settled down. "Why in the name of all that is holy would we side with you?!"

"Oh, Storm." Senator Kelley's voice began as Jason brought them their drinks. "You think I don't understand what it's like to be a woman stuck in a man's world?" 

Jason eyes became twice as wide and the sea breeze he was about to pla

ce in front of his boss was stuck in mid air with his hand around it. Finally he placed it o the table and squeaked a quick "Excuse me." before shuffling off.

"You live with men 24/7. What I'm proposing is a way to get them back for every belch, fart and other vile excretion they decided to let loose in front of us, thinking it was charming. What I'm proposing is a chance to revenge every lewd comment or every time you saw their eyes stray down waaayyyy too far to possibly be looking you in the eye!" Mystique was now in hysterics and her voice melted with the Senator's drawing a few stares toward them.

"Mystique." Storm said in a warning tone. "Calm down." Despite her ravings, Storm couldn't help but see the logic in what she was saying. She looked toward the girls and was surprised but what she saw. Anger contorted their faces as they each looked absently in different directions no doubt remembering some incident where the men at the Institute had pissed them off.

"What I'm proposing...." Mystique took Storm's hand, drawing her attention back toward her. "...Is revenge for every time your stash of chocolate was raided, during that time of the month, the AB-SO-FREAKING-LUTELY, wrong time of the month to be without it and watch their stupid, blank faces as they deny taking it! Even if they have little bits of chocolate spread across their ugly faces!" Lost in a memory herself, Mystique didn't noticed she was breaking Storm's hand until she heard a little squeak under the table where Storm writhed in pain.

"Oops." She helped Storm back on her chair. "My bad."

Storms' eyes clouded over and Mystique made a move to jump off her seat until the white-haired mutant spoke. "You're right. They must pay. All of them." Mystique's eyebrows rose in surprise and she looked at the others. They each held the crazed, murderous look in their eyes.

"Excellent."

Rogue leaned in to whisper. "But why would you align yourself with these humans? Once they find out we're mutants they'll probable turn on us."

Mystique grinned. "You know, I never understood the term 'Blinded by Hate.' Only men and the dull-minded are blinded by hate. But the truly cunning know how to take their fury and unleash it so that only the ones who pissed you off are screwed." Mystique took a swig of her drink. "Never underestimate the logic a woman can have even when consumed with hate. Look at my ingenious plan if you need an example."

Jubilee nodded and smiled. "Now _that's_ the kind of lesson you can't get in school."

Despite herself, Storm laughed. Mystique got out of her chair. "Watch this."

She strolled across the dance floor and toward the stage, the fur on the bottom of her yellow, glittery robe swishing around her ankles. When she reached the stage she took the microphone and began:

"Affirmative Action didn't go far enough." She began in Senator Kelly's voice.

For centuries, we women have bore their children, cleaned their houses and still be expected to be a sex goddess in the bed room! Well, I'm here to tell you first hand that breast feeding is a bitch!"

A course of _'Yeah's!!!!'_ echoed throughout the room, even though some were still sober enough to wonder why a man was talking about breast feeding.

Kitty's eyes became wide and she leaned in toward Storm. "She's giving herself away." Kitty muttered as she gritted it out from between teeth, a nervous smile on her face.

"...And even with all we have accomplished in the world we are still considered Second Class Citizens! Well, I say no longer!" Senator Kelly took off his robe and threw it down in the center of the stage.

"What's that saying? **BEHIND** every great man is a great woman? Why is that?! Why do we have to be in the back?! So close to the limelight yet so far. Receiving only scraps of the attention we so rightly deserve?!"

The women were getting anxious. Anger was in their eyes and revenge in their hearts. Mystique knew it was time....

"But you do know why they're so powerful, don't you? Because we let ourselves become divided! Even now we fight each other when we should be fighting them!"

The crowd yelled another chorus of _'Yeah's'_ that died out immediately and turned into shocked gasps when the form of Senator Kelly morphed into the blue, scaly form of Mystique.

"Women...." Mystique began. Her voice cracked slightly, tears of joy at the amount of bitchiness in the room. "If you are really serious, join me in defeating our common enemy then join me. After all. The enemy of my enemy is my what?"   
  
Mystique held the microphone out to the crowd that answered an excited: 

**"MY FRIEND!!!!!"**

Storm, Rogue, Kitty and Jubilee just sat there. Mouths hanging open as if Logan had just claimed his undying love for Scott. Mystique had managed to do something no one lese had.

Unity between humanity and mutantkind. And one thing was for sure...Well two things actually...

One, nothing would ever be the same again.

And two, men were now officially very, VERY screwed...

* * *

R&R  
  
Please!!!!  
  
Do it out of Pity! I had a fever of 105! Don't Judge me!!!  
  
Obvious I'm just as paranoid as Mytsique... 


	6. Strategy and Stripping go Hand in Hand

(A/N): I'm extremely sorry and upset that my computer crashed, causing me to have to re-write this whole damn thing. Then again I did add a bit more. Unfortunately, I don't see me writing more than two additional chapters for this story, if that. But I do have a sequel in mind seeing as my last chapter leaves wiggle room for more.

And now, Because in reality I'm really surprised that anybody reviewed on to my responses!!!!:

Maya: I have to be truthful. The only reason I'm responding to you first is because Maya's my name, too. Except I spell it with and "i" instead of a "y". I strongly recommend anything smothered, dipped or rolled in chocolate while reading this story. Makes the world seem just a little bit brighter.

Rebel Goddess: Wolverine better be careful. Before he tries kicking Mystique's ass he better make sure all those women don't tackle him down and give hmmm a wax. Oh crap. I just gave you a spoiler...

Jojo: You are by far the most dedicated fan to this crazy little story, that's why I've decided to dedicate the next chappie to you. Name one thing you want to see in the next chapter and I'll make dam sure to put it in. No matter how obscure or how much of a crackpot idea it maybe.

Shelli: Thank you very much for reviewing. For a while I seriously thought of responding to "Me's" rude comments but decided against it. It's seriously not worth my time. I mean, I easily could call him a Barry MANILOW-loving, she-male, whom apparently can't even write let alone read seeing as I repeatedly wrote "OOC: out-of-character".... But I don't like to be petty...uhhh. Thanks again!

Darknight88: You're the first one to mention the little Jean cameo I did! I plan to bring her up every time Scott's acting like a dick. Which should be quite often.

Amanda: I think we have the same sense of humor because the part with Colossus is my favorite, too. I'm sorry it took so long to update but between schoolwork (My English teacher actually had the nerve to give us work over the summer!), work and having to re-write this chappie I've been swamped.

And of course quick shout outs to _Dee Bryant, aehart, Aztec Raven, malefiscen, The Rogue Raven, Rebel Goddess_ for putting me in the favorites and/or author alert!

Ok, that's enough ass-kissing on with the fic:

**Chapter 6: Strategy and Stripping go Hand in Hand**

* * *

"Hello Charles. I'm glad you could make it."

"Yes, ahem, well, as desperate as these times are we can't afford to turn our back on potential allies." Charles Xavier glared at his former partner. For some reason the usually calm, cool and collected professor had a beet red blush that slowly crept around his baldhead.

"Really Charles, you look like a turnip. As old as you are you wouldn't think a simple gentlemen's bar would get you so worked up." Eric teased.

Xavier was not amused. "So you decided that the best place to talk strategy would be a Hooters?! How exactly do you expect us to get any work done if all the blood in your lackeys' brains is flowing toward the wrong head?!"

Sure enough, Magneto, "Master of Metal", decided that a private booth, in a local Hooters, was an appropriate place to decide the fate of all mankind.

Charles rolled his eyes as Eric stretched out on the booth, propping one leg up as his smirk widened.

"Wow, Charles! Do you teach your children with that mouth? I don't think that's a side of you that you want your precious X-Men to see. Good thing their otherwise, preoccupied..."

Xavier looked at Eric in confusion before he began looking around frantically. "What the f---." Xavier turned his wheelchair around only to see his X- Men and Eric's Brotherhood surrounding the catwalk just as a slightly clothed brunette made her way down a brass pole. Behind him, Xavier could hear Eric snickering and turned around so fast it was comical.

Xavier pointed his finger at Eric accusingly. "This is all your fault!"

Eric waved his hand, dismissively and grinned. "Stop. You're going to make me blush."

Xavier narrowed his eyes and sputtered angrily until two large hands began shaking him by the sleeve of his jacket. He was startled to see Peter's slightly maniacal grin inches from his face. Behind him, Bobby and Remy were bouncing up and down like two whack-a-moles.

"Professor! Professor! Professor!" Peter exclaimed, excitedly, douching Xavier in saliva due to his eagerness and his Russian accent. "Do you have change for a twenty! I. NEED. DOLLAR. BILLS!"

Sighing, Xavier took out his wallet and gave the hormonal teenage boys some singles. After squealing in glee, the boys scurried back to the catwalk. Bobby's old/newest best friend, St. John Allerdyce gave him a high-five and Toad saluted Remy and Colossus with his beer as they settled in to enjoy the show.

On the other side of the catwalk were Wolverine, Sabertooth and Scott. Surprisingly enough the three seemed to be getting along, creating a conversation based on their mutual dislike for Stryker, their favorite beer and occasionally pointing and laughing at Scott's red, checkered print, sweater vest. This lead to him moping for a few minutes until they all began talking about which beers taste more like piss.

Xavier leaned one elbow onto the arm of his wheelchair and rested his hand in his head. "Well, that explains those cretins, but where's Kurt?"

Eric grinned and pointed to the far left of the room. Xavier turned around, his eyes bugging out at what he saw.

"Oh no."

Kurt was standing ramrod straight as two busty blondes in black halter tops, miniskirts and clear heels slithered themselves around the nervous young man. In the dimly lit room only the whites of his eyes could be seen darting from side to side frantically as the two women with objectionable ethics continued to press up against him.

The blonder of the two was behind him and leaned in to whisper in his ear. "Just how talented are you with this tail of yours?" She purred as she wrapped her leg around it. Kurt squeaked and fumbled for the cross and rosary beads around his neck. "Lord, please give me the strength to deny temptation."

When her tongue found its way into his ear he made a beeline for Eric's booth. "GAAAAHHH!" Kurt shivered as he slid into a seat next to Xavier.

"Did ja see that, Professor? I don't think those women have excepted the Lord as their personal savior." Kurt shook his head sullenly and then looked at the older man. His head had returned to its previous prone position as he tried to indiscreetly go for the flask in his jacket.

"Charles." Eric said in a low, reprimanding tone. "In all fairness, Charles, there's really no time to get you into a twelve step program so cut the drinking."

"In all fairness, Eric I didn't feel a need to drink until I saw your face."

* * *

Bobby plopped back down in the seat next to John and handed him a beer.

"Thanks, "Iceman"." John snickered as he grabbed the beer and took a long pull.

Bobby scoffed. "Please. Like "Pyro" is any better?"

"Don't hate on my game, Bobby, my boy." John slapped the other teen on the shoulder. "Sides, when they have the choice between the cold and frigid, straight arrow and the hot and sexy bad boy, the girls always go for the fireworks!"

Bobby snickered. "Right, you're a regular Casanova. That's why I was able to steal Rogue away from you."

St. John tore his gaze away from the leggy blonde currently sliding upside down on the pole, long enough to give his friend a startled look. "What are you kidding me? I let you have Rogue. Like I really wanted some pushy broad telling me what to do 24/7."

Bobby chuckled. "Yeah right. It just ate at you that I got to her first, which is the real reason why you joined the Brotherhood..." St. John opened his mouth to argue but Bobby raised his hand to stop him. "Which is alright. Perfectly understandable. No one's here to judge you."

St. John rolled his eyes. "Bobby, if anything I couldn't stand to see Little Miss Bit---...Bossy punk you in front of your boys. If you don't believe me ask, Pete."

Bobby frowned in confusion so John called out their friend. "Hey Pete! Remember last Christmas? When I went around the school collecting money for a leash and collar for Marie? You know, that way she wouldn't kept leading Bobby around by the short hairs?"

Peter and Remy began laughing at the memory. Toad and Sabertooth choked on their beers while Wolverine howled in laughter. Scott frowned. "You said that was for the teachers' gifts from the students!" Everyone looked at him and began laughing again.

Scott chuckled. "Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Never mind."

Bobby crossed is arms and sank into his chair, grumbling something about "Backstabbing, hair gel loving, fire freaks."

St. John laughed. "Ah, buck up, Iceman! Consider yourself lucky. Untouchable girls are more suitable for a man of your...limitations."

St. John took a swig of his beer and shifted around in his pocket for a dollar bill while Bobby looked at him in confusion.

"What in the Hell are you talking..."

"I'm just saying that with her being untouchable it didn't get you into a predicament where she could call you Mr. Softie." John said very matter-of-factly.

Bobby glared at John as the firestarter placed a crisp dollar bill in the g-string of the red head that was currently on the catwalk. Before he could pull away Bobby placed his hand on John's and froze his hand to the red head's g-string.

"Hey! Get offa me!" The woman screamed as she backed away, leaving John with little option but to follow her up the catwalk. Freaked out, the woman began to hit him, trying to bat the pervert away.

"Ouch! Stop hitting me!" John said frantically as he fumbled for the Zippo in his pocket.

"Ahem!" Bobby cleared his throat loudly to catch his friend's attention. When John turned to him, Bobby showed him the Zippo he had lifted from the other man's pocket as the red head pummeled him.

John was so busy glaring at Bobby that he didn't notice the young woman hitting him anymore until she screamed again. "Hank!"

Suddenly, none other than Hank McCoy walked out from behind the curtain of the stage. He was wearing a well-tailored black Armani suit with a red dress shirt underneath and a hat.

"Is there a problem here, Vanessa?" Hank asked. Vanessa turned around to show Hank their predicament. "Hmmm. It seems you two have been stuck together by some icy obtrusion." Hank looked down suspiciously at Bobby who grinned innocently.

"Yes." Hank growled as he yanked John's hand from the young woman's derrière. He rubbed his chin, thoughtfully. "I think I see the problem." Hank yanked Bobby up onto the catwalk and led the two young men toward the back.

"Uhh, Hank? "Scott interrupted before Hank could go back behind the curtain. "Since when have you been a bouncer here?"

"Oh, about a month ago. I decided to use my brawn a little more. Especially since Xavier doesn't really pay enough."

"Ain't that the truth." Scott grumbled.

"Excuse me!" Xavier yelled from the booth as Eric pointed and laughed, a gesture that was coming all too common that night.

"Nothing!" Scott shouted back.

"Woo!" Eric cried as he wiped the tears of laughter away from his eyes. "As amusing as you and your X-Men are, I really do think it's time we get down to business."

Xavier nodded. " Excuse me, gentlemen!" Xavier yelled. "And I use that term as loosely as possible. It's time to get to work!"

Not surprisingly, neither the X-Men nor the Brotherhood heard him so Xavier went to plan B.

"Bloody hell!" Toad screamed as his legs began to move on their own accord. One by one, the guys approached the booth, except for Wolverine, who first went to the bar and got a bottle of Jack Daniels and a glass. He poured some into the glass and then walked up behind Xavier's chair.

"Well, wasn't that considerate of you, Logan. I'd love a glass." Logan glared at the back of Xavier then spat in the glass and grinned evilly at the rest of his colleagues. He placed the glass in front of Charles and kept the bottle as he sat in a chair to the right of the older man. "Your welcome."

"Right then." Toad managed to squeak as he tried not to laugh by busying himself. He looked around under the table until he spotted his briefcase. "Let's get to it, shall we?"

Toad opened the briefcase and pulled out his laptop.

"Our first logically step would be to compile a list of possible attacks that could possibly deter their attempts to...uhhh... you know." They all shuddered.

Unfortunately, Scott couldn't take anymore. "I refuse to go back to that life of slavery by a woman! Look at me! Do you really think I picked this sweater?! It was a gift from Jean!! Have you ever looked in my closet?! It's like an Abercrombie and Fitch store blew up in there! Sure it gets a little lonely at night but I just bought a new pair of leather pants and a biker jacket, dammit! And I'm gonna wear 'em!"

Scott was cracking up. He jumped out of his seat and grabbed Xavier's untouched glass of Jack Daniels. "Free at last free at last. Thank God Almighty I'm free at last!" Scott began to drink it but stopped when he saw Logan, who had a grin on his face that could only be described as shit eating.

Although he had his visor on, the guys could have sworn they saw Scott's eyes widened to twice their normal size. It wasn't so much him as it was the slap on the back of the head Scott felt that caused his head to snap in front of him and spew the drink in Xavier's face.

_"Jackass. If it weren't for me he'd still be wearing does god awful, ratty, old yellow trunks outside of his uniform. The most terrifying thing about them is that they were white when I bought them..."_

"Who said that?!" Scott yelped as he looked around in paranoia. He looked at Logan across the table. "I know that was you, Logan!"

Logan snickered. "Uhhh, just for the record, Scott. Going from the gap to all leather clothes isn't that far of a jump. It just suggests that you spend a lot of time in the closet."

Xavier pulled a handkerchief from the breast pocket of his suit and wiped his face off.

Sabertooth shook his head as Scott returned to his seat. "I can't believe we lose to these guys! We really need to work harder, Mort."

Toad nodded. "Yes well, Sabertooth and I thought we could try kidnapping some of their more beloved celebrities. I suggest Dr. Phil."

Remy shuttered. "We want to stay off their butchering radar. Not get skinned. Besides, if you think Mystique can get an army of angry women riled up, try Oprah. She'll have us thrown in her dungeon, with only the book on tape of her fiancée's new book playing constantly to keep us company."

"Right. So that's off the list." Toad deleted the idea. "Well, we could always have Xavier tap into all the women and make them forget this cockamamie plan."

"You have to be out of your damn mind!" Xavier screamed. The whole table, except for Eric, was surprised by his reaction.

"You'll have to understand. For Charles to be in psychic contact with that many furious women could have long lasting effects on his own psyche. Possibly even becoming more female than male."

"To boldly go where no man has gone before." Toad summarized. Xavier glared and Logan snickered. "Now that he mentions it, you do look an awful lot like Captain Picard."

Sabertooth scrunched his nose up in disgust. "Yeah, but do you really want to imagine him in that inappropriately tight jumpsuit?"

The whole table shuddered, once again. Except for Eric who got this strange, glazed over, look in his eyes. Both insulted and creeped out, Xavier psychically made everyone at the table slap themselves, causing it to look like a corny Three Stooges stunt.

Xavier snickered. "Obviously, our only choice is to stage some sort of peace treaty with the women."

Kurt frowned. "But how? I doubt any of us could get in before they maimed us."

Xavier sighed. They were all so deep in thought as to how to get their attention without injury that they didn't even notice it when Hank came to their table.

"Hello colleagues." Beast greeted as he pulled up a chair. Eric looked up at him in confusion. "Mr. McCoy. Where are Iceman and Pyro? Well, actually, you can keep Iceman. Where's Pyro?"

"My boss, Karen, decided to have them work a show to make up for their shenanigans."

Logan frowned. "What "show"?"

Hank shrugged. "I'm not sure. Excuse me, Karen?" A pretty, woman in her mid thirties with dark hair and pale skin walked up to Hank. "What can I do for you?"

"Could you please tell us where you sent our friends?"

"Oh, the two young men with the sticky fingers? I sent them to some party that a blue, scaly woman asked me to provide entertainment for. I had already sent some male "entertainment" that a friend of mine in the business knew about but why not add two more, right?"

The men at the table were silent, mouths were ajar and not even the brave of heart dared to breathe as the information sank in.

Colossus was the first to speak. "Oh crap."

* * *

The music was blaring so loud that even from backstage, Bobby and Pyro could feel the pounding rhythms pulsating in the floor and on the walls. All around them, well-toned guys with skimpy uniforms were buzzing around them.

"What the fuck have you got us into, Iceman!" John seethed as he grabbed his friend by the collar. Suddenly, a man with a police uniform was standing in front of them.

"Are you two partners?" He asked.

"What?!" The boys squeaked as they tried not to pay attention to the fact that the "policeman's uniform consisted of shorts that were waaaayyy too tight and waaayyy too short.

"Uhhh, yes. "Bobby replied as he grabbed John's arm. "What?!" John squeaked.

"Good." The "policeman" said. "Because you two are up now!" He pushed the boys out of the curtains where they were confronted by a room full of screaming women.

"What fresh new hell is this?" St. John muttered in a slightly dazed state.

"Uhhh, John?" Bobby said quietly as he tugged on John's sleeve. He pointed toward the ceiling and that's when John saw it....

A banner.

**_"WELCOME TO MYSTIQUE'S COMING OUT PARTY!"_**

John and Bobby looked at each other.

"Ah shit!"

* * *

(A/n) Damn I liked my first draft better. This sucks compared to the original. I wish I could find where I wrote it down. Shit. Summer is almost over and I have three other stories to re-write. I'm gonna need some Red Bull and Sour Skittles.... 


End file.
